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PROBE & QUERY || 'OVER A CLIFF' [5]

I am often excited at the excitement of life. Thrilled to have new opportunities, meet new people, challenge myself, take risks, believe in something other than me, this Earth and its people... but there are times when I am incredibly terrified of the exact things. When I doubt myself, when I fear I will be responsible for my potential failure, when I overthink everything and forget to live in the moment for the moment. I am so guilty of this. So incredibly guilty, and the guilt in itself is enough to send anyone overboard, but I won’t. I can’t. I shan’t. I get an opportunity to do great work and I am thrilled beyond words, and then comes the fear, and I want to run away because it’s easier. It’s easier to run and make an excuse for why I ran than to stay and embrace a potential failed outcome. It is only easier in the moment, but in the end we do ourselves the biggest disservice of all, we rob ourselves from really living. Who can live like this? Thankfully I won’t, I have recognized this now, and I am getting the last word in. I am not a coward.
...

But I can’t help but think, how many times has this hindered me in the past? Why do I go through life with an extreme safety net? Holding on for dear life as if I am afraid of ¶ free falling ¶? You must fall in order to get up, we must take risks in order to learn, I have to go at life and not let life have a go at me. I know these all sound like shitty Cracker Jack proverbs but it is the simplest of ideas sometimes that need to be understood, internalized, and lived out. Be unafraid. That’s the goal. That’s the thing that keeps us back so much in life. We are cowards. I am a coward. Here I am, looking at Chriselle Lim, thinking at how amazing of her to have been so lucky to fall into such a great path but guess what- that wasn’t luck, that was destiny, she carved her way to her own unique destiny. Destiny is entirely not luck, it’s fate. She has probably scarified much, she has probably taken many risks. She has probably felt the exact feeling I am feeling now, and gave that feeling a good & proper kick in the ass. Pardon my French but this is not a game. Haha, no games - not anymore. There is a lot at stake. There is no instant gratification, no overnight success, at least not in my world, nor in the world that I want for myself. I want to earn it. I want to have sweated bullets for it while having an overt sense of inner peace. I want to have it earnestly and honestly. I want to find refuge in it when I can’t find it in my own self. I want to never give up. I want to have a long-term goal that builds like a set of building blocks by way of short-term happenings and decision-making. I want to be who I am suppose to be, and that starts first with me being fearless. Shameless. Vulnerable...almost as if I were a child. 




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