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WHAT ESCAPED || New year NEW NOTES [2]

Because my iCloud notes might have some more value in this space. Maybe. 
...& why not start the year off right? Showing a little more love to this little space I've created here.  

1. There’s a point in time where I mentally want to check out of a friendship. Where we have reached a pinnacle and everything shifts. I will care too much. You talk to boys too much. I don’t want to have to worry about loosing you to someone. So instead I internalize. Silence myself and keep going. I don’t want to have to. I don’t know what's unresolved within me that causes me to have such a response. It’s not the first time it has happened. I guess I just never really healed from loosing someone who I thought was my first real true friend to a lame ass boyfriend. I guess I never got over the fact that even when she wasn’t with that person, I was far and distant from her mind. I want to cry. As I write this I am holding back tears. There is nothing I can do when someone I love is falling in love with another person. I don’t know if its selfishness, jealously, security, or all three, but I feel it, and it is very real. Do I not want friends to be happy? Im not quite sure. Have I internalized the relationship tropes I have witnessed in my life? It doesn’t matter how innocent, or how explicit, the flirting and possibility of a friend with another terrifies me. I wish it wasn’t so. I don’t know how to make this feeling go away. 


My energy is pretty felt. My sadness is pretty obvious. At least to me, so when I’m ignored or my feelings are hurt, I look at everything you do from then on as a way of avoiding me. Everything becomes personal. I run away not only out of fear, but pride. Pride because I hate admitting how sensitive I am. How petty I am. How insecure I am. How fucking childish I am fucking being damn fucking childish. Do I just need a relationship of my god damn own to stop stepping on egg shells around the matter of friends with a partner. Shantai was pretty damn strong. She was independent, and the perpetuator of her own self motivations. I guess in some ways I blame him for what I believe has been a robbery of the spirit of my friend. I guess I don’t really harp on loosing a friend physically, but rather the mental drift that is in store. Our friendship becomes centered on your relationship problems, I know your partner just as if not better than you do in some instances. I don’t want to be the shoulder you lean on and cry to only when shit goes down. Only to be cold when the wind storm arrives and you’re with him. Only to be silenced. Tuned out. Undermined. Not chosen. Silenced. Because literally, you only pick up the phone for him. My presence will never be held to the same level of appreciation. I’ll never “get” your issues again. I won’t be the person you lean on anymore. We won’t lean on each other. And I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t know how to loose someone and embrace them at the same time. 

I’m gonna go watch Elementary, Sleepy Hollow & HTGAWM and get my damn shit together. No one is loosing anyone, but I NEED be careful of how I react to certain emotional keys and triggers. Who the fuck am I to care about the exchange between your thighs much less the exchange between your lips. I am not loosing anyone. I am just putting myself at the center of someone else’s exchange with another. I know better. I should - by now. 

2. We were outside and chatting and I think there was a point we got slightly close and he was playing with my fingers. Someone called and he was on the phone but we were still looking at each other. Someone did something and I make a funny comment and he howled this high pitched laugher and I woke up, smiling. He laughed at my joke. 

3. Obama on "riots" & "relationships"

4. How we move forward? Organize around the system using strategies gained within and lived knowledges

5. This university has made an enemy of the worst kind. A supporter who cares. This university has made an enemy of the worst kind. A dedicated soul that views their life as a canvas to demonstrate who they are. This university has made an enemy of the worst kind. An angry black woman.

You think I was loud then, wait until you hear me now. I am not just fighting the policies upheld by a university, I am fighting a system of injustice that upholds itself standing on the back of white privilege. I am not supposed to be heard, much less succeed, but I will champion a legion of communicators, and we will stop at nothing to bring this house down the ground- and staring us in the face. 

It doesn't stop here and it won't end hear. I am a black woman artist- an alumni of this university, you will hear me and it won't be quiet. 

6. Watch me buy your gucci. Watch me wear your gucci. Watch me praise your gucci. Watch me steal your gucci. Is that gucci? 

7. It's so confusing. This feeling of uncertainly is so incredibly moving. I am afraid. I am. Because I have already imagined us. I continue to imagine connecting with you. I can't read your mind, and you don't know my heart. Which is stronger? It doesn't matter. These games we play, we only truly play with ourselves. This toying hurts, but I am afraid to know the answer. But I must. I must push, hoping your pulling back. Don't pull back. To truly know myself I must know your heart. Or your mind? I'm not sure. This is bullshit. I want to be your friend, yes or nah? Then one day, maybe we'll have sex. 

8. Good talks with great friends. Inquiries still linger, shall we chat?

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